Seeking John Galt

So, there’s a guy who falls down a hole. The walls are so steep, he can’t get out on his own.

A doctor walks by, and the man calls to him, “I’m stuck in this hole. Could you help me out?”

The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down the hole, and moves on.

A priest walks by, and the man calls to him, “Father, I’m stuck in this hole. Could you help me out?”

The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down the hole, and moves on.

A friend walks by, and the man calls to him, “Hey, buddy! I’m stuck in this hole, can you help me out?”

The friend jumps into the hole, and the man says, “What’d you do that for? Now we’re both stuck here.”

The friend says, “No, we’re not. I’ve been down here before - I know the way out.”

~ The West Wing - Season Two: “Noel”

Thanks to all of my friends who jumped into the hole with me, and helped me find my own way out - by distracting me, keeping me company, or leaving me be, as I requested. That information I was waiting for? Turned out to be a map so’s I could find my way out.

Thanks again, lovely people. I honestly don’t think I could have done it without you.

Karma:  Well, now.  You do have quite a bit on your plate, haven’t you?

DT:  So glad you noticed.  You’re not planning anything I should know about, are you?

K:  Well, you know, I was actually just about to ask you the same thing.

DT:  Waitaminute.  Aren’t you supposed to be the annoyingly omniscient and vengeful being capable of unparallelled schadenfreude?

K:  Normally I don’t act on anything unless you’ve already done it.  Fortunately for you, merely contemplating evil deeds doesn’t count - though some of those uncharitable thoughts are going to come back at you later - I’m still working out the details.

DT:  Thanks for the heads up.  Frankly, I’m too busy to get into trouble at the moment - that birthday party, Super Bowl plans, a trip to see Things One and Two - and that’s all starting after this class is over with. 

K:  And then there’s that turning thirty thing.

DT:  Yes.  And that.  In April.  I can always count on you to remember such things.

K:  Just wanted to make sure you hadn’t forgotten.  Well, I really must toddle off.

DT:  Always a pleasure, K.  Oh - before you go.  About that other thing?  Thanks.

K:  No need to thank me.  My job does work in both directions, you know.  Here - have some Nutella, too.

But thankfully, that’s just me.  

Alternate Title:   How NOT to Get Engaged.

Don’t do it six weeks after you met the person, for starters.  Definitely don’t do it less than three months into your freshman year of college.  Really don’t do it when you’ve lived most of your life controlled and sheltered by well-meaning, but overprotective parents, so you have no idea of how to be independent before latching onto another human being.

Don’t do it because he’s the first guy who’s interested in all of you - not just your 18-year-old physical self, but your brain and your heart.  Don’t do it just because he’s the first male non-relative with whom you’ve had all-night conversations every night for the first week since you met. 

Don’t do it when he tries to humiliate you in front of your mutual friends, to make himself seem like an alpha male who’s in control.  Don’t do it when he maybe gets a little pushy in arguments, and don’t do it just because he never actually closed his fist.

Don’t do it because he’s obviously beside himself to get to show you off.  Don’t do it when you realize that you come from completely different backgrounds/upbringings, because you think it would be boring to have developed the same goals and values.  Don’t do it because you’re both so terrified of being alone that you feel safer being miserable, together.

And really, REALLY.  Don’t ever, ever do it in a bowling alley.  Just take my word for that, please.

*******************************

I know a fair amount about how not to do it. 

The great thing is that lately, I’ve been getting to see some wonderful examples of how it should be done, ways that are unquestionably the right way.  People who have figured out who they are, and then found each other, and developed an understanding of how they’ll work as a team.

Miss Andrist, best wishes for your upcoming nuptuals. And thank you, and your intended, for providing such an excellent example of how to do it the right way.  I’m so happy for you I could plotz!

By a lot.  Taller, too.  By about 8″.
Had surgery a couple weeks ago - healing up nicely, but bruised and moving stiffly.  Not surprising for someone born in 1943 - also a Taurus.

I’m obviously not the milkman’s kid - height, hair, eyes, and nose come from his mother’s side of the family.  Put a picture of me now, next to her wedding photo, and it’s like I went to a costume party.

He finishes the NY Times Saturday crossword every week - usually in under ninety minutes.  He’s an engineer with an MBA.

I inherited his conflict-avoidant nature, and would probably also whistle “Danny Boy” when I sensed tension around me - if I had also inherited his ability to whistle.

We both love “The American President” - “If you were a dork, you should apologize.  Girls like that.”

If a thing is worth doing, it’s worth doing right.  This extends to applying butter to pretty much everything consumed - evenly spread to just the right thickness.

Does not need a ladder to drywall a ceiling, provided one of my cousins can hold the sheet in place while he walks around them, reaching up with the screw gun at regular intervals.  Brobdingnagian home repair, indeed.

Drinks Moosehead beer if it’s available.  I’ll have one with him this Sunday, standing in the warm sun on a mostly green lawn while he makes note of bare spots and contemplates the best fix.

Miss you, Pop, and I’ll see you Sunday.  Happy Father’s Day.

In the meantime, take care of you.

Love,

Kid #2

Vivian Ward:  People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward Lewis:  I think you are a very bright, very special woman. 
Vivian Ward:  The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?

Melvin Udall:  You make me want to be a better man.

I’ve had some pretty absurdly awful things said to me over the years - not just in dysfunctional romantic relationships, but by people whom one would normally think would never say such things (family, co-workers, and someone I thought was a friend, to name a few).  And for a long time, Vivian was right - the bad stuff WAS easier to believe.  And a phrase like the one above?  Coming from someone I cared about?  That’ll take some time for recovery - that’s just how I’m put together, I guess.  People I care about can get to me.  I just kind of have to trust that they’ll be careful with that power.  You don’t get to speak to me that way and expect to speak to me thereafter - I don’t care what it is you think I’ve done.

But today, ”Mr. Nobody” and I were talking.  This person is (1) very much in love with someone else, (2) a guy, therefore not prone to the usual meaningless female ego-boosting mantras, and (3) possessed of a tendency to be overly honest, if there is such a thing.  Basically, the perfect person from which to hear the following:

“Of all the girls I’ve ever met, you are probably the single best combination of looks, personality, and financial success I’ve known.  You are successfull in your career, you are very smart, you are kind, caring person, and you are pretty damn self aware.”

The compliment wins, for two reasons.  First?  I know that I’m not a horrible person.   Second?  His words have the ring of truth.  They aren’t sugary, there’s no expectation that the sentence will segue into a request for a favor.  It’s a matter-of-fact statement.

And THAT, gentlemen, is how you pay a lady a compliment. 

I don’t believe in soulmates, at least not in the way that many people seem to.  I think that for every person on this planet, there is more than one person to live with, happily, long-term.  I think that it’s also true that for every person on this planet, most people could not fill that position.  So we’ve got more than one, but a heck of a lot less than every member of the opposite (in my case) gender.

I think this makes it harder.  For those who do believe in the notion of a soulmate, they’re disappointed when they realize that nobody fits 100% from the beginning, that you are going to have to do a fair amount work no matter what.  Maybe they cling to the notion that someone will be 100%, and they’ll spend too much time focusing on what’s wrong, instead of what’s right.  And that’s no fun for anyone.

For those who have the other view, that one looks for someone who’s close enough to 100% to make the work worthwhile, and mostly fun, someone who’s worth risking an “all-in” bet, the danger lies in the other direction – not settling, exactly, but in taking too much of a risk - in thinking that the person will become more of what he or she wants, or that they’ll want what the other doesn’t have, less.  The awareness that it’s not going to be perfect can have the unfortunate effect of lowering expectations a little too far.

If anything, the latter has probably been my biggest problem.  I’ve been in a couple of serious, long-term relationships where we were both convinced that the little differences wouldn’t really matter so much.  I’ve been the one wanting to try just a little harder, for just a little longer, to meet halfway, and I’ve been the one smacked in the face with the realization that I can’t spend the rest of my life with someone who will always want me to be a little bit different – and the one who had to convey that realization to someone I still cared about very much.

The great thing about the 98%, whether it works in the long run or not, is that it helps you learn more about yourself and what you really want, than anything else can – putting you both in a much better place to get that much closer to 100 next time.