April 16, 2007

Open Letter

Posted in The Who, The Why, The WTF at 8:07 am by Dagny Taggart

Dear Sir:

I know a few things about you, but I don’t know who you are, exactly.  And there’s a lot I’ll learn about you if/when we do meet (again?), but I suspect I’m going to enjoy that.

There’s something you should know, though.  Just in case it seems like at some point, just when everything seemed to be going really well, I start to send mixed messages.  Maybe you won’t really be sure if I like you or not, maybe you’ll think I could use therapy, meds, or both.  There’s a reason for this – maybe not a good one, but it’s the reason.

You’re going to scare me.  More than axe murderers, a surprise visit from my mom, or the thought of another 4 years of Republican rule.  And I’ll know what that fear means, but you won’t.  Unless you’re reading this right now.

The thing that you might not understand (many don’t) is that it’s not about you.  Or how you’re treating me, or anything else you’re putting out there.  The fact is, it’s a natural human reaction to be afraid of pain.  People don’t get nearly as critical of those who refuse to go skydiving, as they get of those who are scared to put themselves out there romantically.

And I’ll be putting myself out there.  I’ll be overcoming my fear enough to show up and be the best person I can as consistently as I can, because there’s something between us that seems worth it.  But that doesn’t mean the fear won’t still be there.  And every once in a while, I’m going to need to express my anxiety in a way that will make you think that perhaps I should “up the voltage.”

At some point, you’ll (hopefully) figure out that the reason behind all of this is tripartite:

  1. I’ve reached the PNR, and can’t talk myself out of caring anymore.
  2. This scares me.
  3. I’m putting myself out there anyway, because I think it’s worth it.

So if this happens, and you remember that I wrote this, do me two favors?  (1) Stick around, and (2) pretend like I’m not freaking out.  And then, reasonably soon (I’ll be aware of this and working on it), we’ll get back to the part where I’m the person you were attracted to initially, and you can use my little freakout time period to good-naturedly wheedle batches of freshly baked cookies from me.

Just thought I’d give you a heads up.  Oh – and if you’re that guy at Safeway this weekend, we’re going to have to discuss cutting back on the raw onion purchases. Ew.

See you around,

Dags

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4 Comments »

  1. Do you mind if I jot this down and make copies? It’s a moral imperative that this sort of thing be put into circulation. I mean, how often do people come with…instructions. Thank you.

  2. MW: Feel free! I think developing one’s own internal instruction manual can be quite useful – if this might provide an example (however limited), I’m all for it. 😀

  3. Dagny, this is great. Really. Every time I come to your site it’s like watching evolution. You are just really, really dialed in to what you want and what you need and what will and won’t be tolerated. I feel almost voyeuristic when I read this.

  4. INPY: Thanks so much! I guess I’m an open book in some respects, which isn’t always a good thing – but it’s a risk I tend to take more often than not! 😀


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