June 11, 2007


Posted in Uncategorized at 8:39 am by Dagny Taggart

First, I am happy to report that I successfully dodged all but two pointed questions concerning my impending spinsterhood.  By the way – at what point does spinsterhood actually kick in?  There seems to be some disagreement on the subject.

And FreckledK, I’m a bit sad that I didn’t have a perfect opportunity to use your suggestion.  It’s definitely been stored for future reference, though!

Now, on to our Public Service Announcement: 

If you became a mother relatively recently, do not, I repeat, do NOT share your stories unless you are quite certain there are no prospective mothers in earshot.

Now, I’m not one of the “born to breed” types, and there are those who think I’m Kazanski, but with a little less warmth.  I wasn’t completely closed off to the idea of procreation, though, until Sunday.  I know it was supposed to be a bridal shower.  You all knew it was supposed to be a bridal shower, for pete’s sake.  But every recently inducted member of the “mom club” seemed to forget that the instant they saw Sibling.  Who, of course, looks radiant and adorable, and tends to have that effect on people when not pregnant, anyway.


What I don’t need to hear, before I’ve made up my mind, is the stuff that’s in the books you don’t read until you ARE pregnant.  I don’t need to hear about how long you went between actual showers.  I don’t need to hear about the surgery, about the endless baskets of unwashed laundry.  About how, when you’re at the supermarket, you can only reach things on the middle shelves because the Baby Bjorn doesn’t really let you bend down that far, and you’d squish the poor thing if you got close enough to reach things on the high shelf.  About how you really love your minivan, because it’s just the right height to change a diaper when you can’t get to a more suitable locale. 

I don’t think I could ever love a minivan.  Call me “chassist” if you will, but my dream car will always look almost exactly like this.  Do I want to become the kind of person who loves a minivan?

The only thing that’s keeping me from completely ditching the notion in its entirety, is that everyone seems so genuinely happy for Sibling.  There must be something these women aren’t telling me – namely, the good stuff. 

So next time you find yourselves discussing the finer points of prenatal and early childhood development, why don’t you focus on those, in the interest of preservation of the species, hmm?  Us “undecideds” need positive reinforcement, not the truth!



  1. Lisa said,

    I find the minivan and lack of showers etc less horrifying than when they talk about the actual birth stuff. You know, like mucal plugs and epesiotomies and other grim and painful details.

  2. MEwithsomeone? Never? said,

    Wait until you get to spend the weekend discussing what the difficulties of raising two kids by yourself for 9 months while hubby was at war, and how one must fight off mother in laws who feed the kids all the wrong things, and how Bobby really is the most adorable child in the whole world. All this just before said mothers of the year got “TRASHED!!!” because it’s been two years since their last beer. I’m a successful, empowered, independent women damn it but I felt seriously lacking… and dare I say, outnumbered!!

  3. LMNt said,

    I just can’t imagine having a baby. The size of the ankle-biter compared to the size of the door it uses to enter the world is mind-boggling.

  4. LMNt said,

    P.S. — Thank god I’m a boy.

  5. jess said,

    You post this as I ready for a week’s invasion of my sister and her two kiddos. Best. Birth control. Ever. And I *love* them.

    I like to be spared details that allow me to envision future pain/world-shifts/and/or renunciation of my dream car:

  6. Lisa: Oh, I know. I’m trying to block that part of the conversation from my memory. Fortunately, most twins are born via c-section, which while kind of a big deal, seems less… messy. At least, that’s what my sister has decided to believe.

    ME: Two years since their last beer? How awful! But this weekend was kind of like that, since the typical North Jersey Husband is apparently not so actively involved in the childrearing. 🙂

    LMNt: Seriously. This is right at the tippy-top of the list of Things I’d Rather Not Think About With Respect To Baby-Having. And it’s quite a list!

    jess: Good Luck! I’m actually really looking forward to being an aunt, but then I *know* I can give them back.

    And, that is one seriously cool car. Wow. 😀

  7. vvk said,

    There are few things in the world quite as beautiful as a baby laughing and smiling. Of course that’s not a reason for *you* to have a baby.

    As for vehicles… *shrug* As with many things in my life, my choice has always been limited by size. I don’t fit well in your Jag, but I tend to fit in minivans… So I drive a minivan. Sexy isn’t it.

  8. I think havin’ babies is like smoking, they both bring instant camraderie between their practitioners, smokers feel kind of stupid for smoking but they are kind of in a “smoker’s club” by default at least, baby-mamas feel the same way, so they have someone else whose life has just become all this child bullshit and they feel comfortable talking about the mundane things that rule their lives in a way they wouldn’t to you.

    Cut ’em some slack, this is their time to ‘shine’

  9. vvk: Well, right. I’m perfectly fine with someone ELSE’s baby smiling nad laughing. I encourage it!

    And my dad drives a minivan for the same reason. I was just alarmed at HOW excited this person was, about a… minivan. 😉

    HYSL: I’m not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings here. And if they want to talk about the wee ones, that’s fine – I just wish they’d have said more about the rewards than how exhausted/messy/irritable they had become, so I wasn’t feeling so freaked out about the possibility. 🙂

    Though I think most of these women would disagree with the notion that they felt stupid about motherhood…

  10. WiB said,

    I wonder how much of that kind of discussion is like soldiers telling old combat stories: part misery loves company, part one-upmanship.

    “I threw up for the first six weeks.”
    “Oh yeah? I bloated to the size of a Rose Parade float.”
    “Well I haven’t slept more than four straight hours since the first Bush was in office.”

    If guys got pregnant (and I’m with LMNT there), we’d totally do that. The first two hours of any gathering would be C-Section scar comparisons.

    “Chassist” is awesome. Great word invention.

  11. joebec said,

    i agree about the minivans. my g/f is talking about buying one and i’m like “oohhh, good for YOU” screw that noise, the minute you but a minivan you have to start wearing “mom” jeans and always have juice boxes. too much hassle.

  12. Hammer said,

    In the immortal words of Bill Murray…

    Your life, as you know it… is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk… and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life.

    I dunno, aside from an ability to manufacture poopie that is rivaled only by Fox News, the little ones seem to be a hell of a lot of fun despite all the associated hard work and sleep-deprivation.

  13. (You’re taking me too seriously again)

    When I say ‘feel stupid’ it’s more of the “what did I get myself into?” variety than the “smoking crack while skiing naked” variety.

    I mean, how could ANYONE say my mom was stupid for having me?

  14. Beach Bum said,

    I agree that I think it’s much worse hearing all the gruesome details that freak me out. How things rip down there. Oh, but don’t worry they cut it up for you so you won’t rip. WHAT?? Cut me THERE? As if you don’t have enough to worry about with the pain of pushing a watermelon through a keyhole, now you also have to worry about things ripping or getting cut? Or how you have bowel movements (I’m putting this nicely) while you’re pushing? Ew.

    Then you hear about how the baby panda was born the size of a butter stick, and you look at the size of the mom compared to the butter stick and wonder, why exactly are we the ones pushing the big things out? I mean, it’s so tiny, I’m sure the panda farts and the baby panda is already all the way out, no pushing and breathing techniques required.

    Ah, and by the way, a convertible is totally my dream car (though a Jaguar convertible is even nicer…), no minivans for me either! I’ll be the cool mom!

  15. WiB: Glad you like my little neologism 🙂 And I think you’re right – each woman thinks her experience just had to be a little worse than the one just told. Sigh.

    joebec: Wait. Are these cranberry juice boxes, and can we inject vodka?

    Hammer: Well, that’s good to hear. I figured it must be something like that 😀

    HYSL: AH. THAT variety of stupidity. I feel that way about waking up in the morning, let alone about anything more substantial. 😉

    Beach Bum: I see you in a small SUV – one capable of driving over sand dunes, of course! 😀

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