July 26, 2007

Sweetheart

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:26 am by Dagny Taggart

I love this movie, and not just because I’m more than a little gay for Claire Danes.  Some further discussion of the movie to follow – if you haven’t seen it, you might want to, before reading.

About a year ago, I started dating someone who seemed fantastic, at first.  I was swept off my feet – this funny, smart, talented and attractive guy was all about me.  All about spending time with me, meeting my friends, introducing me to his.  We became nearly inseparable.

And while I’ve discovered, since, that inseparable might not be the kind of relationship I want, I think that it can and does work for some couples.  I was willing to give it a shot at the time, anyway.

Along with this closeness, though, came certain expectations.  I was expected to keep him abreast of my plans for the day, and expected to let him know the second things changed.  He wanted to know who I talked to that day, wondered why someone might have escaped mention if a call or email came to light later on.  I don’t know why I didn’t see this for what it was at the time, but my red flag radar was faulty.  What I do remember, was that I had resented it.  Not just the Torquemada-esque questions, but the notion that he had a right to this information.

It wasn’t so much that I didn’t want him to know things, or that I had something to hide.  For one thing, it started to feel more like a business obligation than a conversation with someone who cared about my life.  For another, he hadn’t earned it yet.  We hadn’t earned it – we hadn’t put the time in to get to that point, where we shared everything.  It was simply too soon, and I resented it.

I think sometimes, if you share too much too quickly, it sets up these kinds of unrealistic expectations – a need for the security of a much more serious relationship than is actually called for at that point in time.  It makes the temptation to test boundaries that much harder to resist – to “call him sweetheart, and see what he does.”

Looking back, it’s hard to say how differently things would have gone, had I been more insistent on taking things slower.  But when people have different ways of measuring the seriousness of the relationship – different kinds of distance markers – maybe it’s up to them to keep the pace comfortable for themselves, rather than expecting the other person to catch up to where they are – and to be patient if catching up needs to be done.

Of course we know how good I am with patience, so there is that.

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6 Comments »

  1. Martin said,

    Any good relationship worth the name is built on trust. If I’m with someone and I love and trust them, I don’t need to know where they’re at every moment of the day, and I’d expect the same trust in return. It makes the time I DO spend with them all the better, because then there’s the fun of hearing how their day was, sharing their life and times, etc.

    It sounds very much like the guy in question had a lot of insecurity about both himself and you, and was overcompensating.

  2. Handsome Boy Modeling School said,

    “I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as an ordinary person. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic — in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.”

  3. I’m sick to death of relationships that take ‘work’ I mean, I know the right one will be worth the effort and everything, but I also think the right one should be all smiles and sunshine for the first year or so shouldn’t it? Is that unrealistic? How about the first couple months?

  4. Martin: I agree completely about the need for a foundation of trust. But trust is something that starts small and grows (at least for me) along with the intensity of the realtionship (ideally). When the emotional involvement grows faster than trust, I think, is where real problems start to occur.

    HBMS: Nin, very nice. And yes, I’m hoping for “something more extraordinary than that”.

    HYSL: Hm. I don’t think that it’s unrealistic, unless you’re generally attracted to “difficult” people. Then it might be unrealistic. 😛

  5. Martin said,

    Dagny, I think you’re on point about that. Emotions are tricky things–a mixture of biological responses and internal projections that color the reality of a situation.

    Trust takes work and time to build. You can feel instinctively right or wrong about something, but only through the work of sharing those wacky emotional responses and building respect will you *know* it’s right. 🙂

    I’m sorry to hear your voice is not up to snuff–I hope you can make it out this evening. I’d love to see you.

    By the way, was there a subtle pattern in the titles of your last few entries? Reading backward from the top, they form the phrase “Snerkle Sweetheart Semantics.” 🙂

    Ok, *I* find it funny. 😉

  6. Dagny said,

    hey i agree, i’ve been through this, for me it was like i into it n after a while said “o god, where m i?”
    lol!


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