August 9, 2007

Haiku, Part 2

Posted in *cringe*, Nerdiness, Past, The WTF at 7:44 am by Dagny Taggart

You have been talking
For hours on end. And still,
My watch says 8:10.

He sounded like Mr. Moviephone, but with a country twang. I met him in Adams Morgan, at a club, while out with a group of girlfriends. I was wearing 5″ heels at the time, so he definitely gets props for mustering the courage, and sufficient sobriety, to amble his 5’11” frame my way and slip me his business card. Enough props so that I called him that Monday, having supplemented my hazy recollection of generic, above-average looks with a quick glance at the black and white headshot on his workplace’s website.

Over the phone, the voice was a little … odd, but the accent was more charming than abrasive. I chalked it up to “office voice”. and we made plans to go out.

He was excellent on paper. He seemed like exactly the sort of person I should be dating. Having just been through the wringer with someone wrong in all the classic bad-boy ways, I convinced myself that it would work, that I just needed to give it time. He was Catholic, for crying out loud. He went to church. Dr. Taggart would be so happy.

I probably could have dealt with the overgrown frat boy thing, at least for a while. I could have continued to ignore the strange feeling that he thought his name should have roman numerals after it, or the catalog future (Pottery Barn, J. Crew) implicit in his life plan (partner by 35, 2-3 kids, assortment of small pets). I was sure I could talk him out of picking baby names that all began with the same letter (and if someone could explain to me why they think that’s cute, that’d be great).

That his personality seemed manufactured, molded after a crowd he’d clearly envied but not been a part of in college, was slightly more problematic.

And then it hit me, as such things do when you’ve been on a few dates and sense that the other party might try to move things in that direction. Much like the proverbial image of parental, um… “relations”, I couldn’t ignore it, and though I knew it was just in my head, I cringed nonetheless.

If things got to that point, I’d eventually have to hear that voice in bed. Mr. Moviephone, from Kentucky, in bed. Aaaaaaghhhhhhh!!!!!

A six-pack of Rolling Rock and a fifteen minute conversation later, I was leaving a sparsely furnished (Crate & Barrel, actually) apartment with a deeper understanding of what I wasn’t looking, er, listening, for, in a prospective mate.



  1. Well, they say that little quirks which attracted you to your mate will be the very things that repel you, eventually. Perhaps what annoys you most about him (the movie phone voice) is the thing that you will find most charming. Or not.

    This is a very insightful quote:

    “That his personality seemed manufactured, molded after a crowd he’d clearly envied but not been a part of in college, was slightly more problematic.”

    Maybe you shoulda been a psychologist.

  2. Fluffycat said,

    Definitely better to avoid the guys with voices you find repulsive… There’s only so much one can do with one’s voice, but there is no excuse for sounding like the Moviephone guy!

  3. HIN: Well, as that particular ship has sailed, I’d have to try to find someone with an equally annoying tone to test the theory. This may prove impossible.

    And perhaps you meant, maybe you should see a psychologist? But, thanks 🙂

    Fluffycat: I kind of suspect he thought he sounded “smooth”, or perhaps even “suave”. *shudder* Definitely a narrow escape! 😀

  4. ewwwwww…jcrew pottery barn frat boy wannabe…

  5. suicide_blond: Yeah, no joke. It was bad. I want to date a person, not a cliché! 😉

  6. At least he didn’t say ‘2.5 children’, which would have been creepy.

    Or clever, at least.

  7. Ross: I was kind of thankful – it was a little early to be getting that specific about future plans!

  8. joebec said,

    well at least you realized it before the beer had you IN the bed!

  9. Lisa said,

    Yikes! I’m glad you went with your instincts rather than just going ahead and running with the resume.

  10. So how tall are you exactly?

    The real moviefone guy… I bet he has SEX. You know, with girls, and they probably make him do the menu in bed for them… weird.

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