December 19, 2007

Greed

Posted in *cringe*, Darth Vaguer, Guilt, nutella, Seven Deadlies, The Happy, The Just a Little Sad, The Who, The Why, The WTF at 9:11 am by Dagny Taggart

When I’m not self-medicating with a chocolate-hazelnut substance, I’m self-medicating with retail, as my bank balance and credit cards can attest.  This particular reward system was ingrained at a very young age, and that’s a behavior I’m trying to undo.

But really, what I’m greedy for isn’t really the material stuff.  It can be expressed that way, sure – but what I am, is an affection junkie.

And like so many other affection junkies I know, not just any source will do.  Nope.  There are certain people from whom I (not always unreasonably) expect affection on a regular basis – and if I’m not getting it, I get very, very cranky.  Conversely, if I don’t want affection from a particular source, I really, really don’t want it.

The people I consider closest to me, oddly enough, are the ones from whom I require the least.  If you’re one of my people, I can go for months without hearing from you and still think of you as one of the people I can count on no matter what.  If I don’t trust you yet, on some level, I get greedy for constant reassurance. 

And trust me – I know how annoying that is.  I’ve been on the other side of that, know how it feels to have someone demand more from you all the time, to where it’s never enough.  And the only thing I can really do is change the way I handle that – to either focus the energy that fuels the greed elsewhere, or cut ties with someone I can’t seem to trust.  Fortunately, I have several very patient and understanding friends who do a good job of helping me deflect. 

But maybe I just need to accept that the heightened excitement that comes with an anxiety, angst-laden relationship of any kind – familial, friend, other – isn’t worth becoming the kind of person I seem to, under those circumstances, and work on surrounding myself with the kind of people who let me be generous, rather than greedy.

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5 Comments »

  1. Beach Bum said,

    I have a problem with retail therapy too… And with my new job (despite netting less pay than before), was an excuse to buy new clothes and worse — new shoes. I can’t even imagine how much I’ve spent on new shoes in the last couple of months — have pumps in every color and design at this point…

    Yikes.

  2. I-66 said,

    pft… last time I give _you_ affection.

  3. I-66 said,

    gah.. stupid gchat thinking. You know what I mean.

  4. Hammer said,

    “If you’re one of my people, I can go for months without hearing from you and still think of you as one of the people I can count on no matter what.”

    We’re of common minds on this one. It’s a complex equation, but I think respect and unconditional trust figure heavily into it. As for the retail therapy, fortunately I seem to be able to restrain mine to The CD Cellar on Wilson Blvd. Spent $40 there last weekend and really only needed to spend $6. Well, maybe $20, but that’s it.

  5. vvk said,

    Hmm… I’m still trying to figure out how the term ‘greed’ fits into this…


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