January 30, 2009

Lies! All Lies!

Posted in *cringe*, The Why, The WTF at 9:37 am by Dagny Taggart

Last summer, I was engaged to an absolutely wonderful man for approximately 3 hours.  He and I had lived together for over two years in blissful, snarky harmony, laughing until our sides hurt over the antics of Karen Walker and sighing with wistful longing over the intelligent, articulate dialogue that seemed to manifest it self far more frequently in a fictitious White House than it ever did in recent reality.

Alas, the relationship was not meant to be – something I knew when I met him, something I’d been aware of for years when he asked me to marry him.  You see, I’m not his type, what with the two X chromosomes and all.  And yet, for a brief period of time, I was to be his wife.

For reasons passing understanding, I seem to be a magnet for a certain type of very persistent, very drunk male person.  Someone for whom a boyfriend or lesbianism is only viewed as a challenge (yes, I’ve claimed both in an effort to extricate myself with a minimum of hurt feelings and/or violence).  Someone for whom the only effective deterrent is the implication that I am, of course, the “property” of a fiancé.  Who gave me a very nice ring that’s just being cleaned/resized, if the barfly is sober enough to ask.

And that is how, after my turn on the karaoke stage at my fabulous former roommate’s birthday party, I became engaged to a gay man*.

Open Letter to Not-Terribly-Sober-Blokes-In-Bars:  If your determined persistent pathological approach causes the stark light of panic to flare in the lady’s eyes, followed by a casual attempt at hiding her left hand and a claim to a fiancé, you might want to rethink your methods.  Especially when the alleged groom-to-be was just trading numbers with the guy sitting next to you.

*To date, this means I’ve been proposed to in one bowling alley and one dive/karaoke bar.
I suppose, given my track record, that hanging out at gun ranges, casinos, and strip clubs would increase my chances of achieving respectability in the eyes of my family.  Third time’s the charm, right?


  1. I heard people stop having sex (with their spouses) when they get married, so why would it matter that he’s gay?

  2. Lisa said,

    One of the things I like about you is that you are so completely solid and dependable as a human being, and still I have no idea what you might say next on any given day. It’s an excellent combination.

  3. HIN: Well, I imagine it might have bothered him. He should be able to enter into a soon-to-be sexless marriage with a member of his preferred gender, no?

    Lisa: There are those who would guffaw at the use of “solid” and “dependable” and “you” (meaning me) in the same sentence. Nevertheless, thank you. I rarely know what I’m going to say next, either!

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