February 11, 2009

Unfriended

Posted in *cringe*, But I am... le sick, Darth Vaguer, Guilt at 3:13 pm by Dagny Taggart

I’m still sick, so forgive me any greater-than-usual lapses in clarity.

Once upon a time, I was in a really tough position.  I had a Massive Crush on a friend of mine.  A friend who had told me, in exactly so many words, that the crush would not ever be reciprocated.  Ever.  Which left me with two choices:

1)  Selfishly continue to pursue my own, admittedly fruitless, agenda;

2) Continue to be an actual friend to this person.

I chose number 2, consciously.  And I tried to make sure that my actions reflected as much.  There was one conversation, though, where I nearly had myself convinced that confessing my feelings would be the best thing for both of us.  I was thisclose to saying something out loud, to genuinely believing that the best decision for him was to make a completely informed decision, to knowing all of the options on the table.

I never said it all the way, out loud.  And I am thoroughly convinced now, that keeping my mouth shut was by far the best thing I could have done, despite the infinite contortions of rationalization I had managed at the time.

People can convince themselves of a lot of different things.  That they have the best of intentions, that they didn’t mean any harm.  Oftentimes, these statements are true, as far as they go.  But the best of intentions doesn’t always mean a lack of harm.

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5 Comments »

  1. Beach Bum said,

    As you know, the time I actually had a crush on a friend, and mentioned it to said crush (after he overhead a conversation with you), it went downhill from there. The friendship? Never fully recovered, and it was never what it used to be.

    The sad thing, is that it was just that: a crush. Nothing more. I knew eventually it would take its course and fade away into a distant memory (which it has, and it did, shortly after the “confession”) Had nothing been actually said, we might still have a very strong friendship today. Though I meant no harm, it harmed what I cherished the most: the friendship.

    Of course, looking back, I also believe that a real friend would have been able to overcome the hurdles and keep the friendship intact, at least in the long run.

    • Wow. I never knew that anyone had overheard anything *I* said – I apologize for any role I had in a sad ending. These situations are so delicate, it’s hard to know what to say, and what not to say. /pulls foot out of mouth.

  2. Lisa said,

    Hmm. I had so few guy friends (like, actual friend friends) until the last few years that I’ve never been in this position.

  3. Beach Bum said,

    Sorry, Dagny, I thought you knew! It wasn’t your fault (or anyone’s fault for that matter), as we were in a party where said crush was in attendance and I chose to openly speak about it. And though we were not being loud by any means, crush came around the corner and had already overhead the conversation (which I was later questioned on and told the truth).

  4. vvk said,

    hmm… I know I’m a bit on the odd side, but I’ve actually managed to maintain fairly good friendships with the two women on whom I initially had (major) crushes, and then let them know. Neither was interested in me beyond friendship, and only in one case did I know that before I told her.

    That said, I can easily imagine how it would be awkward. Thinking back, I’m not sure why things worked out in my case.


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