November 5, 2009

Roleplaying

Posted in Grief, Guilt, Project: Fail, The Just a Little Sad, The Why at 9:08 am by Dagny Taggart

Yeah, not THAT kind.  Perhaps another time.

Because, you see, I’m not sleeping again.  I mean, I am – from roughly an hour after the Nyquil is ingested until 4:30 am, and then from 5:15 until whenever I wake up (thank you, 6:10 alarm this morning).  That time while I’m waiting for the Nyquil to kick in, and that lovely intermission during the wee hours?  Have been spent wanting to have a conversation with S.E.

We have a history of doing a lot of the same things.  She played the oboe, I played the oboe.  She did certain activities in high school, I did certain activities in high school.  She went to a certain school in upstate NY, I very nearly wound up at that same school.  She majored in English and Psych., I majored in English and Gov’t.  She went to law school, I went to law school.

And eventually, she got married and had kids.  And I haven’t.  And while I’d happily consider making a lifetime commitment under the right circumstances, I’m pretty sure I don’t want kids.  I look at that life, and I don’t really want it for myself.

And so, when she said that my decision not to attend the birthday party felt like a rejection of her life, I didn’t know what to say.  She’s not entirely wrong.  I don’t want that life – if I wanted that life, I’d be in a mommy group of my own, right now.  I feel as though when she got married, I realized something she didn’t – that we wouldn’t have as much in common anymore, that we’d have to redefine our relationship to one another.

I feel like she just assumed I’d catch up at some point, the way I always had.  That I’d find my own Husband v 1.3, reproduce a couple of years later, and we’d be in the same playdate-scheduling, chauffering-to-preschool boat.

And that’s not going to happen.  I love S.E., and I still think she’s wonderful in so many ways, and there are a lot of ways I’d still like to emulate her as I grow up.  But… I can’t decide to arrange my entire life a certain way just so we can continue to be close, easily – so that it can be more convenient for her to be my friend as well as my sister.  I’m not asking her to make multiple trips down her to immerse herself in my life – I don’t think she’d enjoy it.  I just want her to accept the life I’ve chosen for me, the way I’ve tried to do for her.

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2 Comments »

  1. Lisa said,

    I don’t know S.E. but I feel like you’re a more giving person and you’re trying harder to accommodate than she is. I know she has kids and so you’re in a more flexible position – but she has to work harder to understand, since she lacks the ability to have flexibility in many areas. I am sure she misses you, and she is focusing her hurt on this event. She’s got one of the most loving, giving humans on the planet for a sister, and I hope that she can separate her feelings out and recognize what she’s got.

  2. Ronda Laveen said,

    When you don’t have children, for whatever reason, choice or biology, you distance yourself from the general populas by 99.9%. That’s an estimate, of course.


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