December 10, 2009

Oh, boy.

Posted in *cringe*, Past, The Small and Petty, The Who, The Why, The WTF at 8:56 am by Dagny Taggart

So, I read this article, about the Tiger/Elin/extracurriculars.

Extracurriculars.  Which implies a curriculum in the first place.  So maybe not the most appropriate euphemism, but it works for me.  Has in the past, anyway, when I was referencing the various women who subbed in for me in a previous relationship (without me even having to ask!  or know about it until later!).

The article, anyway, is tangentially about whether it’s okay to snoop, when your snooping has come up with exactly what you thought it might – when you have the proof of infidelity, does that mean it was okay to snoop in the first place?

According to my education and training, that’s fruit of the poisonous tree.  So, no.  It’s not okay.

I found out about other women inadvertently, and at the time, I was… crushed.  I can’t describe how that felt (I think it’s different for each person who goes through something like that).  And I messed up a lot of subsequent relationships because I couldn’t trust anyone, including myself.  But still, I didn’t snoop.

At one point, I was confronted with a situation that would have given me justification to snoop, if such justification exists.  I was dating someone who wasn’t exactly forthcoming with personal details, who talked about nameless friends and was vague about where he went and with whom.  And someone contacted me, and told me that he’d been unfaithful. 

The first thing I did, was inform him of the accusation.  In part, because I genuinely believe that we really DO all have the right to face our accusers – or at least, in this case, defend ourselves against those accusations.  But the other motivation?  Was because if I hadn’t told him immediately, I’d have been tempted to investigate surreptitiously.  And I really, really didn’t want to be that person.

In short, I’d rather be the last to know, to deal with the humiliation and hurt and anger that comes with that, than be the person who snoops. 

I’m not sure why that is, exactly.



  1. Brian said,

    I’ve heard the curricular reference before, but perhaps a football analogy would be more apt:

    He would be flagged for illegal substitution. Or, as the case might warrant, maybe 12 players on the field…

    No snooping on SOs, agreed. I would argue it’s as much to do with the possible fallout from false positives as well, but even so, when you do it’s like you said: you’ve become Someone Who Snoops. And chances are, you’ll do it again later, even when there is no clear cause. Because maybe he’s just better at hiding than the last one…….

  2. AliasFaux said,

    My answer is because snooping isn’t going to stop somebody from cheating on you, so it’s not going to save a doomed relationship, but it sure will doom a good one.

  3. Lisa said,

    I agree on the no snooping. Even if your partner has devalued himself by cheating, you still have your integrity.

  4. Brian: It’s definitely a lot about the SWS label. I just really, REALLY don’t want to be that person. And yet, when a friend confesses to snooping, I completely understand – though I do pity them for finding themselves in that mental place. But I would be horrified, to be in that category.

    Alias Faux: Well, I think that’s true, to a point. But I would argue that if a couple is married, then snooping that uncovers the problem sooner rather than later might do some good – depending on how emotionally involved the extracurriculars/penalty plays were.

    Lisa: And at a time when someone had demonstrated that he didn’t value me highly enough, I needed to be able to be proud of myself for something.

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