January 11, 2010

Catching up

Posted in Darth Vaguer, Nerdiness, Past, The Happy, The Just a Little Sad, The Why at 12:07 pm by Dagny Taggart

Cleaning one’s condo can occasionally involve sifting through old memories, trying to figure out whether they’re worth keeping, worth filing away for future reference.

A phone call from an old friend, the sort I don’t talk to for over a year, but whose contact information is squarely filed away in the space reserved for “good eggs”, helped bring some of those memories to the surface. 

Like, for example, the friend’s roommate during the time when we spoke more regularly, the man for whom I may have actually pined.  The man who, when he found himself rather suddenly without his beauty queen fiancée, didn’t turn towards the awesome opportunity (me) just around the corner.  The man who didn’t engage in more than the most idle of flirtation for months after that… and the man who made it clear, when the issue was forced, that he wasn’t interested in anything… real.

That particular memory, along with the ghost of the pain and humiliation I’d felt at the time, had been swept from side to side, from one dust pile to the other, since I couldn’t imagine having any use for it and thought it best to just let it fade as best as I could in a town where running into that man simply happens, from time to time.  But there it was, blown front and center by a chance phone call.

And maybe because it was my first time revisiting this memory since some pretty good therapy, maybe because I get to be with someone who really wants to be with me, who made an effort to let me know that, early on… and maybe because since then, when I have run into that man, he’s been pleasantly surprised to see me, I got it. 

Because once one is in a relationship because one chooses to be, rather than because one feels it is expected, it becomes so much easier to understand how that kind of rejection is often completely impersonal, as to the rejectee.  When someone says “No, thank you” before sampling the dessert you brought, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad cook. 

I think I’ll file that one away under “XP”.

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