February 23, 2010
“And Timing, as they say, is everything.”
~ The Hour of the Octopus, Joel Rosenberg*
(1) I decide to give up cable television, retaining only my internet connection.
(1)(a) I have an absurdly easy time doing this at the cable retail location, and return home to find the things working that should be, and not working that shouldn’t.
(1)(b) I am subsequently billed for all of my previous services, instead of just the one that I’ve decided to keep.
(1)(c) I plot revenge.
(2) My television decides to be cranky, making an odd, high-pitched noise when I turn it on, and refusing to keep the screen functional for more than a second or two before blinking off. Note that the television is still ON at this point, it’s just a blank screen emitting that flourescent-bulb whine.
(3) I mention this to my parents, who inform me that they have an exact replica of my television, save that their copy works! And since they’re giving it away, I’m welcome to it – so long as I let them know, since they were thinking about donating it soonish.
(4) I remember to email them 5 days after this offer is made.
(5) They reply, informing me that the television is now gone and I really should have gotten back to them sooner.
(6) I decide to accept that there must be some logic in their thought process, and that a call to my cell phone prior to actually giving it away would have been entirely too taxing for them, and that this is, in fact, all my fault.
(7) I also wonder if said cable company has messed with my non-functioning unit in an effort to get me to see that unless I have a television that works, one that is fully supplied with all of the cable it could ever want to keep it happy and healthy, I will be cranky and miserable.
(8) I decide that my workout DVDs will play just as well on my laptop, and extend my longest digit in something of a salute, in the general direction of said cable company, which will be getting a phone call later to confirm my decision and ask for my refund.
(9) I also decide that if I ever go back to the land of small-screen pop culture, I’ll see about Fios or satellite.
*For my fellow fantasy lit nerds, if you haven’t read this guy yet, DO. He’s not George R. R. Martin or anything, but he’s good, and original, and limits his recaps of previous works to a paragraph or two here or there, instead of letting it take up close to 55% of subsequent books (I’m looking at you, Mssrs. Jordan and Goodkind). This book isn’t connected to his other big series, but is dryly amusing in its own right.