July 21, 2010

Zen Ze Game of Lowered Expectations

Posted in I need a helmet, The Where, The Why, The WTF at 9:01 am by Dagny Taggart

This, I had to think about.  Because, well, spas are supposed to be relaxing, first and foremost.  Invigorating, sure.  And I suppose there are spas out there that put the invigoration first and the relaxation second, but a spa whose entire existence is centered around chocolate, a spa with little bowls of free kisses and fun-size bars pretty much everywhere?  Is not a spa that is all about Health!  And Exercise!  And AWAKE!

No.  It is a spa about languid relaxation with a schmear of decadence.

So, I signed up for my package, and it included something called a “Rain Shower”.  I had no idea what this was, but figured it was probably something enjoyable, and why not give it a go?

(hint:  I’m about to tell you why not)

I changed into my bathing suit, and was escorted into a very complicated shower stall with many shower heads placed so that water could be directed towards the center of the stall from pretty much every angle.  These shower heads, I could see, were connected to some very impressive looking gauges, with some complicated knob arrangements alongside.  And, a hose.

The technician started the bottommost set of showerheads, and it was cold, and then it wasn’t, and then it was kind of hot, and then I stepped out of the stall and refused reentry until the temperature was readjusted downward.  The flow was similarly opened to subsequent sets of showerheads, progressing upwards, with a similar shock of cold followed by (thankfully, not so close to boiling) warm water.  The hose was aimed at various muscle groups, and the water pressure allegedly massaged the major muscles, and I repeatedly told myself that this was a new experience and I should keep an open mind, because I WAS NOT RELAXED, NOT AT ALL, NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST, because there was a GROWN WOMAN WITH A HIGH-PRESSURE HOSE POINTED AT ME.

And then, she stopped, and for a spit second, the warm water emitting from the showerheads created a rather pleasant cocoon.  And then, she turned on the final part of the shower – something she called a “waterfall deluge”.

All of those pictures of people happily cavorting in waterfalls?  LIES.

Freezing cold water poured directly onto my head and took my breath away.  Nothing could save me, not the warm water from the horizontal showerheads, not the fluffy towels stacked on the other side of the room, past the lady who STILL HELD THE HOSE, as though she’d use it to corrall me like some unfortunate wayward calf.  “Get back in the stall!” I imagined her shouting, as I struggled to regain sufficient control over my person to fill my lungs with air.

And then it stopped, and she told me, in that calm, quiet “spa voice”, to use as many towels as I liked to dry off, pointed out the plastic bag for my swimsuit, and said she’d meet me outside the outer door, so she could take me to my “soak”.

At this point, I was more than a little afraid of what might happen next.

Advertisements

3 Comments »

  1. Lemon Gloria said,

    I might be OK with the hose but I don’t like it when other people are in charge of my water temperature.

  2. Alias Faux said,

    You should have just put the lotion on your skin, and it wouldn’t have been a problem, but noooooooooo.

  3. Go Betty said,

    It all sounds to me like something terrifying and out of a prison scene than a spa. I was going to shout myself for my birthday in a few weeks but now I think I’ll just buy a really good bottle of wine instead. lol


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: