May 1, 2007

Just as she is

Posted in The Why, The WTF at 7:59 am by Dagny Taggart

A good friend of mine, who is (trying to be objective here) incredibly intelligent, witty, blunt, sarcastic, and didimentioncompletelyadorable, and kind of new to dating through no fault of her own, has been seeing someone for the past few months, and it’s been a little tumultuous.

Granted, she’s been through a lot, the sort of thing that can predispose one to act out of fear, and as a smart person said, that’s not conducive to healthy interaction.  At the same time, if you decide to date someone, you kind of implicitly agree to either respect what they need, or leave.  The unhealthiest situations arise (and I should know) where the expectation of togetherness overrides the needs of either party, especially the need to be who they are at their core, at all times.  I think in some circles, that’s called codependence, and it’s generally frowned upon.

Like I said, I should know. Ain’t nobody pretending that Dagny hasn’t screwed up at least her fair share of situations.

The problem, as I see it, is that they’re both asking each other to be just a little different.  And eventually what they’re asking each other for will become a direct conflict.  And when that happens, they’ll spend more time arguing over these points than they do having fun – and that’s when it’s time to leave, if not before. 

Ideally, people decide that something’s not going to work before they spend months arguing about when it’s appropriate to call each other “girlfriend” and “boyfriend”, whether it’s the right time to meet each other’s families, etc.  One recognizes that neither will ever see the dealbreaking issue the same way, and he or she will call it a day.  Ideally.  Sometimes, they’ll butt heads for a month or two because of an overdeveloped sense of obligation.  Sometimes, the realization that there is a fundamental flaw between the two people will hit one of them  like a ton of bricks.   However the realization happens, it nevertheless holds true that it doesn’t make sense to stay.

Because it doesn’t make sense to stay with someone who doesn’t accept you, and love you, just as you are.

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8 Comments »

  1. LMNt said,

    A.

    Friggin’.

    Men.

    ‘Nuff said.

  2. LMNt: I think she would leave the “A” off of your comment and agree wholeheartedly 😉 Thanks!

  3. Ok, Bridget Jones.

  4. sunchaser said,

    Of course it doesn’t make sense, but people still do it everyday. It’s the reason (some) women stay with their wifebeating husbands (not all people from Alabama are wifebeaters) or why (some) men might forgive their cheating wives (especially if they happen to be French :). And it’s always much easier to play armchair quarterback from the sidelines.

  5. HYSL: It’s all about balance. Every once in a while, a girl needs to sing “All By Myself” whilst quaffing alcohol straight from the bottle. 😉

    sunchaser: It is, which is why I’m really not frustrated with anyone who does it, except for myself – because I really ought to know better, but I can understand where the difficulties are when you’re in the situation yourself. 🙂

  6. Lisa said,

    It can take such a tragically long time to believe that someone great actually will love you exactly as you are.

  7. cheerfulcynic said,

    I love the title. 🙂

  8. Dagny said,

    wisely said, o saint!


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