May 1, 2007
Just as she is
A good friend of mine, who is (trying to be objective here) incredibly intelligent, witty, blunt, sarcastic, and didimentioncompletelyadorable, and kind of new to dating through no fault of her own, has been seeing someone for the past few months, and it’s been a little tumultuous.
Granted, she’s been through a lot, the sort of thing that can predispose one to act out of fear, and as a smart person said, that’s not conducive to healthy interaction. At the same time, if you decide to date someone, you kind of implicitly agree to either respect what they need, or leave. The unhealthiest situations arise (and I should know) where the expectation of togetherness overrides the needs of either party, especially the need to be who they are at their core, at all times. I think in some circles, that’s called codependence, and it’s generally frowned upon.
The problem, as I see it, is that they’re both asking each other to be just a little different. And eventually what they’re asking each other for will become a direct conflict. And when that happens, they’ll spend more time arguing over these points than they do having fun – and that’s when it’s time to leave, if not before.
Ideally, people decide that something’s not going to work before they spend months arguing about when it’s appropriate to call each other “girlfriend” and “boyfriend”, whether it’s the right time to meet each other’s families, etc. One recognizes that neither will ever see the dealbreaking issue the same way, and he or she will call it a day. Ideally. Sometimes, they’ll butt heads for a month or two because of an overdeveloped sense of obligation. Sometimes, the realization that there is a fundamental flaw between the two people will hit one of them like a ton of bricks. However the realization happens, it nevertheless holds true that it doesn’t make sense to stay.
Because it doesn’t make sense to stay with someone who doesn’t accept you, and love you, just as you are.