October 26, 2007
I do this a lot, actually. I forget that there is such a thing as “too much” of a good thing. That less really is sometimes more. That sometimes, the effort expended on the margin is not only not helpful, but can be detrimental past a certain point on the spectrum.
It has come to my attention that militant breeziness might not be the best tactic to take if one is hoping to have a mature, adult, successful relationship. At some point, one of you has to admit to caring whether or not you ever see the person again.
Which, of course, is extraordinarily difficult to do while maintaining a completely nonchalant, detached attitude.
“I suppose I might find the energy to be mildly less content if I didn’t hear from you within the next month or so… maybe.”
Doesn’t quite convey actual interest or investment, now does it?
So at what point does one have to stop being breezy, lest nihilism take hold and before long, one stops caring about very much of anything at all?
I don’t think I care to find out.
October 11, 2007
But thankfully, that’s just me.
Alternate Title: How NOT to Get Engaged.
Don’t do it six weeks after you met the person, for starters. Definitely don’t do it less than three months into your freshman year of college. Really don’t do it when you’ve lived most of your life controlled and sheltered by well-meaning, but overprotective parents, so you have no idea of how to be independent before latching onto another human being.
Don’t do it because he’s the first guy who’s interested in all of you – not just your 18-year-old physical self, but your brain and your heart. Don’t do it just because he’s the first male non-relative with whom you’ve had all-night conversations every night for the first week since you met.
Don’t do it when he tries to humiliate you in front of your mutual friends, to make himself seem like an alpha male who’s in control. Don’t do it when he maybe gets a little pushy in arguments, and don’t do it just because he never actually closed his fist.
Don’t do it because he’s obviously beside himself to get to show you off. Don’t do it when you realize that you come from completely different backgrounds/upbringings, because you think it would be boring to have developed the same goals and values. Don’t do it because you’re both so terrified of being alone that you feel safer being miserable, together.
And really, REALLY. Don’t ever, ever do it in a bowling alley. Just take my word for that, please.
I know a fair amount about how not to do it.
The great thing is that lately, I’ve been getting to see some wonderful examples of how it should be done, ways that are unquestionably the right way. People who have figured out who they are, and then found each other, and developed an understanding of how they’ll work as a team.
Miss Andrist, best wishes for your upcoming nuptuals. And thank you, and your intended, for providing such an excellent example of how to do it the right way. I’m so happy for you I could plotz!